After celibacy, three marriages, and four children, I am completely baffled by the latest relationship chapter in the Sinead O’Connor Life saga! O’Connor has placed an ad (see below) on her website for a man, some of which I edited as it is too gross and crass for the discerning TGATP reader! Last we heard of Sinead, she was married. But it seems that union only lasted a few months, so she is on the desperate prowl now. I find the whole situation somewhat sad when one thinks of the beautiful gal Sinead is, that in her middle age, she hasn’t found more peace. Girl, with that voice, you are Goddess, get it together! Rather than spending your time humping vegetables, I would suggest you start blowing your mind with the works of Tolle, Dyer, Chopra, and the like. And if you are truly suicidal, please get help. Think of your kids.
While it IS adviseable to have a list of the attributes you want in a Man and TGATP agrees with some of them, in my mind, that list should be kept very private. Especially if you are famous! Honestly, Sinead. If you don’t respect yourself more than this by the time you are in your forties, when are you ever going to? And “not under 44”? Gimme a break! Young guys rock and you’ve had zero luck with old coots, so you may want to reconsider that one from the jump! And #5 and 28 were just TMI! Think how your kids will feel reading #5! And as for #28, what kind of filth have you been messing with? EWWW! And finally, cigarettes and coffee in combination stain the teeth and give you bad breath. Plus, second hand smoke is bad for your kids. So you may want to rethink that one for yourself and your future mate.
16.09.11 Revised advert for boy (man) friend. (Reprinted from sineadoconnor.com)
Having at first in humour used words like “hump” , “banana”, “yam, “aubergine” and “difficult brown” when advertising to find boy (man) friend I have attracted only the type of men I might catch crabs from even purely by e mailing them, so I now wish to make a clearer advert concerning exactly what it is I seek.
1. A man not under 44. NON-NEGOTIABLE
2. Has to live in Ireland. NON-NEGOTIABLE.
3. Preferably Dublin or Wicklow but other counties will be considered due to appalling desperateness of shit-uation.
4 Has to actually be single. NON-NE-FUCKING-GOTIABLE
5. Preferably sterile. (The lady doesn’t want any more pregnancies)
6. VERY physically affectionate. NON-NEGOTIABLE (the lady needs lots of affection and will reciprocate. The lady HAS a lot of affection and wishes to give it)
7. Funny. (The lady is funny)
8. Eccentric. (The lady is a looper)
9. Interested in and capable of sex at least once a day.. (If the lady feels like it).
10. Sexually must be very loving, cuddly, affectionate, sweet, funny, and also reasonably filthy. (The lady is all of the above and will absolutely reciprocate)
11. There must be a LOT of kissing before during and after love-making (The lady likes kissing).
12.. Must provide me with Fry’s chocolate cream bars (NOT a euphemism for a$#l sex) at least once a week and do all he can to ensure the Fry’s people never go out of business. (The lady loves Fry’s chocolate creams. Crunchies, peanut m+ms, and chili-chocolate may be substituted if Fry’s are sold out)
13. Re-iterate.. Has to be blind/mad enough to think I’m gorgeous.
14. Has tell me I’m gorgeous at least ten times a day. (The lady will reciprocate)
15. Re-iterate.. No Nigels. NON-NEGOTIABLE
16. Re-iterate.. No hair gel. Hair dryers, or general hair faffery. NON-NEGOTIABLE
17. Must be hairy. No waxed or buffed need apply. NON-NEGOTIABLE. ( bald heads are however, acceptable as the whole man looks like an erection. Especially if a tiny ‘eye’ is painted on top of head)
18. Must be stubbly. ABSOLUTELY NON-NE-FUCKING-GOTIABLE
19. No after-shave. This ruins the delicious smell of stubble. (The lady LOVES stubbly man-smell and beard rash)
20. Must be employed NON-NEGOTIABLE. Re-iterate.. No vehicle clampers.
21. No pierced nipples.
22 No addictions other than sex, cigarettes or coffee (the lady loves all three)
23. No jealous psycho exes NON-NEGOTIABLE (the lady has had enough of those)
24. No homo-phobes. NON-NE-FUCKING-GOTIABLE
25. No ‘right-wingers’ of any kind.
26. No accountants (boring)
27. No stamp collectors (flaccid)
28. No K*$b-cheese.
29. Must, when lady is ‘moody’ or ‘cross’ dis-arm her with love-making. This is the secret key.
In return, the lucky man chosen will be given the vast quantities of love, affection, kisses, cuddles, sweet-nothings whispered in ears, friendship, support, encouragement, compliments, and most importantly, regular sweet and filthy, loving sex.
The lady is a woman FULL to the brim of love and affection. And un-happy at not having a man to give it to. So if u are out there please hurry. I’m lovely. U want me. U deserve me. I’m worth it. Oh.. And I smell really good too. And am a CHAMPION cuddler and giver of tenderness.
Applications can be made by e mailing me at email@example.com or by tweeting me @howryeh