Catfished By An Ex: 7 Things No Man Should Do To Re-Woo An Ex

As we get older, we sometimes reminisce about the great loves we thought we had in our youth. And as their spouses/companions either divorce them or pass away, often those loves of the past will reach out to us. But, unfortunately, I learned the hard way that often these people belong just where they are — as a good memory.

Two years ago, one of my favorite exes, reached out to me again. We had been estranged for about 17 years after he lied to me about being separated from his long-term companion and tried to arrange for me to romantically rendezvous with him in London. In the midst of the planning for my trip, he asked me to “start using his work email instead of his personal one” because his supposedly FORMER companion was still checking his personal emails. This let the ugly cat out of the bag that he was NOT separated from this woman and angered me greatly. When she passed, I was more friends with her than him and we formed a bond since we both had cancer at the same time. (Fortunately, mine was caught early enough to not require more than surgical removal. Unfortunately, she passed just days before I went into surgery.) 

She passed a year and a half ago and he has been speaking to me ever since. I informed him early on that with so much time passing between us being together physically, I would need to get to know him better before we could enter into a sexual relationship. Early on, he proposed that we go on vacay anywhere in the world that I wanted to make the reconnection. I initially invited him to experience my fav current chillout West Hollywood with me as I envisioned taking him to my favorite dispensary and beaches. But he we decided on Italy, since I hadn’t been there in decades.

Months before the trip, I expressed that I neither smoke or drink anymore and that I would not meet up with him if he was still smoking. He said he would quit before and claimed to have quit in February. He asked me if I minded if he had “a couple wines with dinner” and I assured him that though I do not drink I am not a stick-in-the-mud about other people having a couple drinks. I just do not deal with alcoholics. That all out of the way, he had me book the trip. What occurred during our trip can best be described as the discovery of decades of gaslighting and catfishing. So as a precautionary tale for older women and as a primer for older men…

Here are 7 things no man should do if he expects to win back a long-misplaced love.  

1. 1. Respect women and do not expect them to be human sex toys. Most women, especially once we are older and you are not as physically appealing, need to be courted. To just expect to go to bed with us, just because you did when we were younger is arrogant on your part. We operate on the “what have you done for me lately” and what future do we have with you frames of mind at this third stage in life. 
   2. Be prepared. Because The Cad had not prepared ahead and taken euros out before arriving in Italy, he ended up ruining our 1^st dinner together by having a hissy fit when a street ATM ate his money
   3. Don’t lie about your alcohol problem and smoking addiction. The Cad knew I do not drink and asked would I be ok if he had “a couple of glasses of wine” with dinner. Instead, he went through 2-3 bottles of wine IN THE DAY THEN had wine and beer with dinner. This is not causal drinking, it’s an alcohol problem. In addition, he claimed to have quit smoking. But he bought cigars on the 1^st day and kept puffing on them.
   4. Don’t get drunk and reveal too much. As my sister said about it, “in vino veritas”. During the 2^nd dinner, after he had been drinking all day, the Cad revealed — that unbeknownst to me—I had never even BEEN his woman when we were dating. Because he was still with Nicole, who was supposedly his ex, and later became the mother of his 3 kids. He cheated on both of me and Nicole with yet another woman.
   5. Don’t be a narcissist hypocrite. After that awful revelation, the Cad then hypocritically claimed the friend that had introduced us had “betrayed him” because he told his actual girlfriend about side piece #2! The GALL of claiming to be “betrayed” when he was cheating, and thus lying to and betraying, not one, but 3 women!
   6. Don’t say you are a responsible light drinker when you are actually a low-functioning drunk. The Cad was a chaos agent due to his drinking. It became like looking after a toddler or a very elderly person. First, there was the ATM issue and his over-the-top reaction to it on night one. Again, this should’ve been taken care. of before he even landed in Italy and should not have ruined our very first night together. It was so not hot. Then, on night two and after his startling revelations, he left his coat in a restaurant and was too drunk to be able to go get it himself even though it was a straight path back. On night 3, we got stuck locked in the foyer for a spell because he left the keys in the apartment. He idiotically expected me to have them even though they were last in his possession. It became like babysitting. A helpless, irresponsible man is so unattractive.
   7. And finally, don’t be desperate for sex. The Cad started trying to edge me into bed from Day One. There is NOTHING less attractive than a man, who is desperate to sleep with a woman. It is so not hot and my biggest turnoff. A good lover knows how to woo a woman in both actions and words to where she is excited to be with him. A great one will get the woman to make the first move. Talking about the ex you cheated on her with, revealing that she was never important to you, displaying signs of alcoholism with an inability to handle things on your own, smoking when you said you had quit, and whining for sex are all passion killers. The focus should be on how much you enjoy her COMPANY not how much you want to f her! EVERYTHING you do and say should be subtly seductive and attractive. Otherwise, fuggetaboutit!

Fortunately, I had the strength to friend zone him by our third evening together. Despite his clear incompatibility with me, it wasn’t easy to do. Because it was closing the door on a romantic illusion that had spanned three decades  It initially left me sad and the cold rainy weather in Italy for the entire 10-day stay didn’t help matters. But as is always the case now that I am grounded in Faith, in the days that followed, I realized that I had dodged a bullet all those years ago. It gave me even greater empathy and love for his late companion, who bore him 3 children, but had to put up with all his cheating and irresponsibility.